Flustered and frustrated.

I feel like the weight of the world is foggy. It's foggy everywhere. Flustered and frustrated. 

Literally feeling I'm at the edge of a cliff. Just waiting for an emotion to come, take a grasp of me, and tell me what it is so it can tell me where I need to go. Swim in the colourful emotions that smell of raspberry and bubblegum, streaking in rainbow stripes. 

My off days have been applied and cancelled for the past three weeks. Not that I wasn't allowed to leave office. More to I haven't been allowed to plan anything personal to take the leave for. We have been outnumbered by all other things which leaves us with lesser to spend on physical surrounding and actual time.

Here I am listening to the instrumental music on Spotify called The Last Hour of Loneliness by Elba (that I find the title is ironic). The commotion of sudden shifting of organisation that means shifting of people from different floors, just to make the beginning of the year ready for new year's work. I was also thrown into the commotion for no direct reason and then followed up about that, and about unrelated things with long rantings that just snapped a vein in my head just to hold my breath in.

I am of little patience right now. 

Gently reminded of the cousin I love. She came yesterday. And I now wonder if I too have bipolar. This sense of soft ground in cloudy gray with lights on the clouds by it's gray from where I sit. But mine has blotches of yellow, pink, purple blue lights that come through. Perhaps I'm not there where she is. It is just that I understand her.

I need cigarettes. 

Annoyed harassed feeling rant

I have an annoying younger office mate JJ who doesn't have imagination and is in awe with my personality LOL. She talks so much that it pressures me to just complete whatever she asks me to help her with, just to shut her up. Then after some sharing of interest, this old me is with a youthful streak, intrigues her as she has an older traditional taste and outlook. Occasionally she would harass me (at least it’s just me feeling like harassed) with photos of the youthful things I got myself that of course I would not want to share.

Seriously woman, I don't do clingy. I can help guide you, but please, I don't think I look a refrigerator for you to magnetize yourself onto me. It's a clear insult to my intelligence. Plus, no, I’m not sharing because I’m unique so you can go and find your own adjustments until you find yourself.

Note: On another incident a few years ago, I tried to help another colleague A, who was going through a rough time to build up her confidence. She ends up coming to work dressed as me for days. Other colleagues thought it was so hilarious that they called her my ‘protégé’. Pfffft.

Today at work, JJ kept calling me and when I returned her call immediately, she doesn’t pick up; which of course annoys the heck out of me. I door slammed her and said something to dismiss her when we bumped into each other. Of course now, I received an email to apologise if she has been on bad behaviour.

I have nothing else to feel but annoyance and therefore shall not respond to the email until I deem fit just because I can. Yes I’m sorry that you’ve just brought out the inner bitch that I so happily hide inside of me. The bad news is that I enjoy her being let loose outside of me too.

Crack

Have you ever felt so down that you crack a little, but not broken?

The sense of rejection that I hate.

How does this spin around? How dimensional my emotions can be to feed the need of my multiple blogs with multiple identity in full anonymity? Why is the need to multiple things when they cannot be maintained, but often sought back for solace? Why the questions? Just questionably me, the INFJ. It puts you off feeling not normal at one point. So this is the one point down.

This headache.
This no desire to push one's self.
This dallying of time.
This brain that has no connection.
This fogginess is relentless as it had been here for days.
This arching pain must stop.

I haven't been feeling so alone for a long time. The courage to push was greater when it was before. It feels like I am floating in water of a coven looking outward into the sun and greater water. I feel the sensation. Bobbing up and down in the sea. Fresh water it seems. Just that, nothing else.

Photo was Googled

The truth is...
I need space.
I am needing to run.
I need comfort.
I need appreciation.

So I will.

Red

I'm so angry right now - not upset. Just plain angry where I could feel my face getting red. All over. And I should be thankful of the hypertension pill I have to take daily.

Done the work. Asked for purview. Lagged and lagged as usual. And then now, today, after numerous follow through by various people that I asked to directly prompt Person themselves, just to help everyone in this matter, that Person is purging everything onto me, and telling me that I must make sure everything is done by today. 

Oh this pissing sensation tingling all over. They are all 17 separate documents. That today, you want me to revise. And new attachments. All separate word files. And telling me some charts must be copied in colour because the scan colour is not as cute.

Really. I took time out at lunch and had my own sweet time to drive home and hit the crap out of 5 cigarettes in one sitting when I usually restrain self at lunch time. With that, I physically did crap and a whole load of it came out too. I hoped to have better management of this... all these... But seriously, I feel like punching someone in the face right now. I really do. 

I really do.

Little Miss Gemini

It's a lazy Saturday. The kids want to go swimming. I will abide. Alone again this weekend. Feeling down. Friendless. The friend who's able to attend by themselves. Without children. Me with headaches. Slow mood. Sad mood really.

Truth is, my pool of friends are various in the vanicinity of the heart. Many don't fit the bill now.

I slowly realize I just can't do with Aquarius and find that Aries can be so... I'm being difficult with myself. I just need to vomit whatever silent conversations my mind and heart is having. Perhaps some distraction will be good for me like window shopping. But of course, that will cost as well. Especially with stringing growing children. Food, coffee, snacks and menial things you find would be useful then and there but it completely useless. Ever.

A Gemini would be good right now. I miss my tiny Miss Gemini. She just sweeps herself away from me from the feelings she envelopes herself with. Like hibernation. Completely cutting off everyone she has come into contact with. She forgets that I'm naked inside whenever we're together. Maybe. I embrace flaws, fears, heartache, hate, love, being unloved. It makes you a person and I'm completely yours when you become bare with me.

I miss her. And she absolutely... I hope God is taking care of her. She deserves happiness. And it makes me happy to be able to heal with her. I heal when people around me do.

If only she can see the beauty of what she has as I see her.

Now let me cry in my sleep. Just because, I feel the need to. Because I know her too well. Just as the heart I have inside.